Alright, I am in Seoul now. Surfed the web for about an hour or so to find any type of a decent place to spend my evening at, and since I’m on my way to Australia, one spot drew my attention. The Tony’s Aussie Bar & Bistro.
Of course I got all super excited, because if it is an Aussie bar then it will likely be flooded with Aussies who are in general a very easy going bunch, who I for some reason tend to fall in love with, aaand the bar had a stand up comedy that night. Woohoo! Bring it on! Aussie beer, cricket on the TV and mean, raw Aussie humor…Well…dream on Nat.
At first, finding that place has proven to be a bit of a mission impossible. It is located up on the hill (This is when I seriously felt like an idiot, all dressed up like I am visiting a Queen of England, plus wearing ridiculously high high-heels. Walking up that hill was unpleasant to say the least).
Second, when I got there, the first thing that came into my mind was – I knew that Aussies were a little tight, I did not however anticipate that tight…
4 years spent with an Aussie should have taught me better. The pub was in the most underpopulated, dark and a rather quiet part of the city. But being driven by the sheer excitement to hear some fart jokes and mingle with some drunk Aussies and witness them “take the piss” out of each other…nothing could stop me now.
Inside of the pub I was hoping to see some roos and emus, geckos, boomerangs and maybe even crocodiles, but to my surprise, the place was rather nice…in a homey and comfortable kind of way. Twas a bit small though
about the size of a cubby house, and it was packed…with 15 people…it just physically couldn’t hold any more without a danger of a fart chocking fatality…There is a cool thing about the place though, it is a non-smoking bar..which I liked very much since I am not a smoker.
The stand up comedy was in its full swing. So I stood there in anticipation of some Aussie mate starting to pick on me for being late for the show. First disappointment – there were no Aussies. Second – there were no Aussies in a radius of about 100 km, otherwise I would have found
The stand up comedy was alright, I think I smiled a couple of times. I assume some of the comedians
if not all of them were English Language teachers from the US, UK and possibly Canada, who read their jokes from the piece of paper/tablet. And it was odd to me as all of the stand up comedy shows I’ve visited before were primary based on improvisation with a comedian constantly interacting with the crowd, making fun of someone and pointing out something obviously funny. But of course, those guys are professionals, and I am certain that those guys/gals at the pub did their best to make everyone laugh…(perhaps it is something out of American humor to laugh every time you hear the word “fuck” that I don’t quite get).
I had some thoughts about “what would I talk about if I were in their spot?” Certainly it takes a solid pair to go out there and perform, and actually succeed, and not get booed out of the stage. But I guess since I’m Russian I probably could have said something about living back home, like…”It gets so cold in the winter that you would not want to take a leak outside because you’ll just stub yourself to death” or something along those lines. Also after about 5 minutes of looking around I’ve noticed that all male foreigners were dressed up in whatever it is that is now considered being “stylish” in Korea. To me personally they looked “nerdy” ish and not in a good way – let me elaborate. Nowadays in Korea, if you are a male, it is very “stylish” to wear:
- A pair of big ass glasses with thick lenses regardless of your eyesight condition.
- Tight jeans that hang half way down your arse, that make you look like you just had a huge dump in your pants, or as if you were deliberately showing your coin slot.
- Gumshoes that totally mismatch the color of your entire outfit (red or bright fucking green or yellow).
- And on top of that wrap a huge motherfucking scarf around your neck so you look like a human size ice cream cone with a tiny head like a cherry on the top.
Okay. Moving on.
One guy started talking about how sometimes you get them “WTF” moments. A-ha! I thought, finally someone with something interesting! This is when he started talking about HOW HE “SAW A HUGE FUCKING DRYING MACHINE”!!! I mean, what is so WTF about this moment? The size or the fact that it is a drying machine? Dude needs to visit Russia, me thinks. There we have these huge stoves called “pechkas”, they have an oven and enormous amount of space to cook on and it doesn’t need an electricity to work!! It can also be used as an incinerator to burn
someone’s body whatever trash you have at home, and sometimes you can even sleep on it!! Now that would fuck him up.
That, right away brought a conclusion in to my head: “Mate, you are a WTF moment yourself”. Maybe it has something to do with the style…Try changing the color of your shoes perhaps…to anything either than highlighter orange?
Where was I. Ah, a lady comedian started talking about the times you go stay at your grandparent’s house for a while. Typically grandma would cook you a breakfast and while you are having your breakfast she’d ask “What do you want to eat for lunch?”, then when you are having your lunch your grandma would ask “What do you want to eat for dinner?” and of course, at the dinner time she’d inquire “What do you want to eat for breakfast?”.
Damn, I wish my grandma was asking me what I want to eat…but being a Korean apart from being Russian kind of implies that you eat rice at all times – for breakfast, lunch and dinner, and god forbid you to request anything either than that. Good thing I like rice.
Moving on, there was another guy who had some okay jokes, but he just read all of them from his iPad in the most ridiculous order you could ever possibly imagine. Its like he Googled jokes and just randomly read whatever came up first (Since the bar has a free Wi-Fi this scenario is very likely). Funny enough he started with a “cockblocking” joke by saying “You know there is always one girl in the group, who would protect all the girls. And she is not on the top list of hotties, in fact, she is normally in the very bottom of that list so she would say random stupid stuff in front of guys”…
– MATE!!!”Cockblocking” refers to intentional or not very intentional action that serves to prevent a male from getting laid (TYPICALLY performed by a competing male). What you boy described here has another term – a twat swatter (thanks to Dane Cook for perfectly defining a term for a female cockblocking action).
I’ll stop here because remembering stuff from last night is not easy due to the amount of alcohol consumed during that night. I feel like my head is full of packing chips now (You know the ones that stick to you and you cannot get rid of them all, and there is always that one sunofabitch or two left, like on your ass or armpit that you can’t quite reach).
Anyhow, with all that had been said, the stand up comedy was a pretty cool thing to see, something different. Comedians were good, some more, some less…I would definitely visit the place again (wearing a more appropriate outfit and shoes hopefully), just to see what new comedians would come up with. The sad thing is, as soon as the performance finished everybody left the bar. No aaaaaaaaafter paaaaaaaarty people????
So I went on my way too. And that was when I felt stupid for the second time of the night…because I had to walk downhill in my high heels. And I’m pretty certain I looked like some bandy-legged frog pecker trying to perform this stunt. Good night.