Alright, I’m in Seoul now. Surfed net for about an hour to find any type of the decent place to spend my evening at… Since I’m on my way to Australia, one bar drew my attention. Tony’s Aussie Bar & Bistro.
Of course i got super excited, if it is an Aussie bar, then probably it will be flooded with Aussies who are in general very easy going fun people who i for some reason tend to fall inlove with, aaand the bar had a stand up comedy that night. Woohoo! Bring it on! Aussie beer, cricket on the tv and mean Aussie humor…Well…in your dreams Nat.
At first, finding that place was a bit of a mission impossible, It is located up on the hill (this is when i seriously felt like an idiot, dressed up like Russian mafia, plus ridiculously high high heels made it very difficult to walk up the hill and it was cold as well).Anyways.
Driven by an excitement to hear some fart jokes and drunk Aussies “taking the piss”…nothing could stop me now.
So i got there, the first thing that came on my mind “I knew that Aussies are in a way are tight asses…but i really didn’t know that they are that tight...
4 years spent with an Aussie should have taught me better i love my boyfriend regardless.”
Location of the bar is away from all the big and busy districts
(aka cheap rent). The place itself, well of course I was hoping to see some Roo-s and Emu-s on the walls, geckos,boomerangs and maybe even crocodiles, but the place was rather nice, homey and comfortable, a bit small though about the size of a sardine can. The place was packed…with 15 people…it just physically wouldn’t be able to fit in any more without such fatalities as choking to death just because someone couldnt keep their gases inside and felt an urge to let it out…There is a cool thing about the place, it is a non-smoking bar..which i liked very much since im not a smoker now.
The stand up comedy was in its full swing. So i stood there, hoping some Aussie mate would start picking on me for being late for the show.
First disappointment – there were no Aussies. Second – there were no Aussies in a radius of 1000 km, otherwise i would have found them.
The stand up comedy was good, i think i smiled a couple of times. I assume some of the comedians
if not all of them are English Language teachers from the states, who read their jokes from the piece of paper…All the stand up comedy shows i ve been at before were a pure improvisation with a comedian constantly interacting with the crowd, making fun of someone and pointing out something obviously funny. But of course, those guys are professionals, and im sure those guys at the pub did their best to make everyone laugh…(perhaps it is something out of American humor to laugh every time you hear the word “fuck”).
I had some thoughts about “what would i talk about if i were there?” Certainly it takes some balls to go out there and perform and actually succeed and not to get booed…At first, since I’m from Russia i guess i would have said something about living there, like…”In the winter it gets so cold you just don’t want to go and pee outside because you ll just stub yourself to death”…anyhow…, after about 5 minutes of looking around i noticed that all male English language teachers were dressed up in whatever is now considered being “stylish” in Korea, for a normal person they all looked just like a bunch of nerds – let me explain. Now in Korea, if you are a male, it is very Stylish to wear a pair of big fucking glasses with thick lenses regardless to what your eyesight is, wear tight jeans that hang on your ass and look like you just had a huge dump in your pants, gumshoes that totally mismatch with the color of your entire outfit (red or bright fucking green or yellow) and on top of that wrap a big ass scarf around your neck so you look like human size ice cream cone with a tiny cherry on the top.
Okay. Moving on.
One guy started talking about how sometimes you get them “WTF” moments…a-ha, i thought…finally someone with something interesting, he started talking about HOW HE SAW A HUGE FUCKING DRYING MACHINE!!!
I mean, what is so WTF about this moment? The size or the fact that it is a damn drying machine? Dude go to Russia and you ll be surprised, there we have these huge stoves called “pechkas”, they have an oven and enormous amount of space to cook on and it doesnt need an electricity to work!! They can also be used as an incinerator to burn
someone’s body whatever trash you have at home, and sometimes you can even sleep on it!!Now that would fuck you up.
That, right away brought a conclusion in to my head: “Mate, you are a WTF moment yourself…”…maybe it has something to do with their style…you know how when we girls change our hair color to blond we all become fucking retarded…dressing up like a nerd seem to have the same effect on man. (Blondies, please no offense, i personally know many bright and intelligent blond girls and some of them are so fucking smart i feel retarded when im with them).
Where was i. Ah, one girl started talking about how sometimes you would have to go and stay and your grandparents place. Normally grandma would cook you a breakfast and while you are having your breakfast she d ask what do you want to eat for lunch, then when you are having your lunch your grandma would ask what do you want to eat for dinner and of course, at the dinner she d ask what do you want to eat for breakfast. Damn, i wish my grandma was asking me what i want to eat…but we koreans eat riceall the time - for breakfast, lunch and dinner! If i wanted to eat something else, i d have to cook it myself ffs. She would make some rice with milk kind of porridge on a rare occasion though or some “tok”-little gooey things made of rice >< if you been a good kid all week, and then if she s like in a super great mood she d put some beans in your rice, lol!!!..ahh gotta love grandmas…they are awesome, my grandma is the best rice cook!!
Alright, there was another guy though, who had some okay jokes, but he just read all of them from his iPad in the most ridiculous order you could ever possibly imagine…It’s like he googled jokes and just randomly copy pasted it in his iPad or no, it seemed like he was googling them at that time and was reading whatever came up first! (since the bar has a free wi-fi it is very likely).
Funny enough he started with a cock blocking…”you know there is always one girl in the group, who would protect all the girls…she s not on the top list of hotties, in fact she s normally in the very bottom of that list so she would say random stuff in front of guys”…
- MATE!!!”Cockblocking” is intentional or not very intentional action that serves to prevent a male from getting a pussy (normally it is a male stopping another male). What you boy described here has another term – a twat swatter (thanks to Dane Cook for perfectly defining an action of a female cockblocking action).
Ah, hang on…remembering stuff from the last night gets very hard at times because of the amount of alcohol consumed during that night. I feel like my head is full of packing chips now (those that stick to you and you cannot unstuck all of them, and there is always one or two left, like on your ass or armpit).
Anyhow, the stand up comedy was a pretty cool thing to see, something different. Comedians were good, some more, some less…I would definitely visit the place again, just to see what new comedians would come up with. The sad thing is, as soon as the performance finished everybody left the bar, so i took off as well. And thats when i felt stupid for the second time in the evening…because i had to walk downhill in my high heels…and I’m pretty sure i looked like some bandy-legged frog pecker trying to perform this stunt.
The bottom line is, it was a good night…